So this post was going to be a an overview of our "perfect day" at Australia Zoo with a review on the various exhibits and show... however something else came to me whilst I was preparing a "mental" draft of this blog in the shower this morning. Something real, something important and something that I think is worth sharing with other parents.
I had one of those parenting "A-Ha" moments (you know, like you hear on Ooooprah) and it happened on our family trip to Australia Zoo - me, hubby and our boys aged 3 and 5. My a-ha moment involved my #2-son (the 3 year-old) who is the most challenging of our children because of his... intense energy, spirit, enthusiasm and excitement. He tends to travel through life at 100 miles an hour... and that can be REALLY hard work.
Most times when we go places we dread having to deal with #2-son's behaviour - doesn't matter where, it could be the supermarket, picking up my older son after school, but especially long drives and going to places with new things and lots of people.
Such was the feeling before our Australia Zoo trip. However, my perspective on his behaviour, and my approach in dealing with it, has been changing... with a lot of thanks to the Facebook page Positive Parenting. I am now trying to focus less on the fact that my boy can't sit still and more on what this means about the person he is and how we can better "manage" and direct that behaviour... rather than "control" his behaviour.
See, #2-son was not naughty at Australia Zoo... he was just full-on excited the whole time. He wanted to take photos of everything, he didn't really want to sit down for lunch, he found it hard to wait in lines and couldn't stop himself from touching items in the gift store etc etc. But this is fantastic because he is an adventurer. He will do some awesome things in life because he has that insatiable curiosity and drive to get there and do that - now! Not later, but now. I know there are lessons in patience and realising that there are other members of the family who also want to see and do things that may differ to him, however my approach to difficult behaviour is no longer this: "#2-Son!" (I don't actually call him that) "It is not all about you! Slow Down! DON'T run!! Not so loud!... etc etc".
My parenting communication now starts BEFORE an outing/activity. We have a chat before we reach the Zoo - or shop, playground, school etc etc - "What are our rules for this day? What are we each excited about seeing/doing? What will our day look like? etc etc" so that #2-son (and the rest of the family) is assured that we will get to see/do everything that everyone wants so we don't need to freak out. Because most of the "bad" behaviour is fear of not getting to do something or frustration that people don't understand.
I have found this allows me to appreciate the person my #2-son is; it allows me to acknowledge his desires and also allows him to hear the desires of other family members. We can create a plan for the day (or drive/next hour) and we can discuss what is important to each of us... so we all feel heard and practice hearing others.
It is definitely a journey, but finally I feel I am on the right path.
Friday, 19 May 2017
Feminism is Coming Into Focus
I'm 36 years old now, and finally I seem to "get" the idea the the world hasn't achieved equality for the sexes and that feminism still has a long, hard road ahead. The thing that brought this realisation into sharp focus for me this morning was a post on a Facebook page group of which I am a member.
This Facebook group is a healthy weight-loss support group. In its essence I believe it is a good vehicle for mums to get support and motivation for a fit, active lifestyle. However, there is an underlying current of body-shaming that, thankfully, is often called out. Common things like someone posting an image of their "before" photo and lamenting how "gross" they looked. This is an often-seen example of women attaching their value to the size of their clothes or the number on a scale, however the one that surprised me this morning was a member's post relating to unsolicited male attention and her own reaction and that of other members.
The post was basically about how she pulled up at the service-station car wash and was approached by two blokes, both offering to assist her. One man was also successful in convincing her that he should pay for her car wash and ending their conversation with "no worries, babe. Hope to see you again". The member's post gushed out how she had never experienced this attention before, and that the flirting had basically made her day and boosted her self confidence.
All the responses to this post were equally gushing and congratulatory with many other members sharing their own experiences of attention from men, now that they were "hot".
This kind of thinking is incredibly disheartening. More so, because these women are genuinely trying their best to be healthy, positive role models for their kids, yet see nothing wrong with the exchange that took place at the service station; nor with the response to it on this group's page.
The reason for this apathy is that in today's society of supposed equality, there exists an insidious, ingrained belief that a woman's value is indelibly tied to their level of beauty according to men's standards and as promoted through all channels of media. The fact that the man offered to assist the woman is not in itself an issue, but it raises plenty of questions:
Is this good Samaritan going around offering random acts of kindness, or only acts of kindness to those deemed beautiful enough? Was the woman not worthy of his assistance at her "before" weight? Is her value boosted by the fact that a random man was willing to offer her attention and money?
The underlying message is that women who fit the current "body beautiful" mold are more deserving.. of everything. Of attention. Of assistance. Of love - from others and themselves. However, if the man would not have assisted the woman had she been in the same body that she walked in 12 months earlier - therein lies the problem. The fact that the man wanted to pay for the car wash is also a problem. He should be putting his spare cash into more needing pockets - like the Salvation Christmas Appeal, or another deserving charity.
This Facebook group is a healthy weight-loss support group. In its essence I believe it is a good vehicle for mums to get support and motivation for a fit, active lifestyle. However, there is an underlying current of body-shaming that, thankfully, is often called out. Common things like someone posting an image of their "before" photo and lamenting how "gross" they looked. This is an often-seen example of women attaching their value to the size of their clothes or the number on a scale, however the one that surprised me this morning was a member's post relating to unsolicited male attention and her own reaction and that of other members.
The post was basically about how she pulled up at the service-station car wash and was approached by two blokes, both offering to assist her. One man was also successful in convincing her that he should pay for her car wash and ending their conversation with "no worries, babe. Hope to see you again". The member's post gushed out how she had never experienced this attention before, and that the flirting had basically made her day and boosted her self confidence.
All the responses to this post were equally gushing and congratulatory with many other members sharing their own experiences of attention from men, now that they were "hot".
This kind of thinking is incredibly disheartening. More so, because these women are genuinely trying their best to be healthy, positive role models for their kids, yet see nothing wrong with the exchange that took place at the service station; nor with the response to it on this group's page.
The reason for this apathy is that in today's society of supposed equality, there exists an insidious, ingrained belief that a woman's value is indelibly tied to their level of beauty according to men's standards and as promoted through all channels of media. The fact that the man offered to assist the woman is not in itself an issue, but it raises plenty of questions:
Is this good Samaritan going around offering random acts of kindness, or only acts of kindness to those deemed beautiful enough? Was the woman not worthy of his assistance at her "before" weight? Is her value boosted by the fact that a random man was willing to offer her attention and money?
The underlying message is that women who fit the current "body beautiful" mold are more deserving.. of everything. Of attention. Of assistance. Of love - from others and themselves. However, if the man would not have assisted the woman had she been in the same body that she walked in 12 months earlier - therein lies the problem. The fact that the man wanted to pay for the car wash is also a problem. He should be putting his spare cash into more needing pockets - like the Salvation Christmas Appeal, or another deserving charity.
SHOCK ANNOUNCEMENT!!... I am a feminist and yet I have zero issues with being gifted a bathrobe for Mothers' Day.
SHOCK ANNOUNCEMENT!!... I am a feminist and yet I have zero issues with being gifted a bathrobe for Mothers' Day.
Today, I read Clementine Ford's Mothers' Day post and I was shocked. I was shocked because I felt judged by one of my most admired bloggers. To me, Clementine Ford is fierce, courageous, intelligent and witty. However, reading her words, I felt judged for my choice to be at Stay At Home Mum (SAHM) and I felt judged for giving zero fricks about being gifted a bathrobe for Mothers' Day (MD).
The rhetoric of Clem's post isn't new or outrageous - it's the antithesis to the false and outdated assumption that mum=housewife. I get that this particular post is a little bit tongue in cheek, but it's also disturbingly serious in the clear message that housewife="less-than". For me, the jokey-aspect of the piece simply belittled my preference for a bathrobe over a wine subscription; but the sting is in the serious message that devalues my choice to take a career break so that I can focus on being a mother and "domestic manager" (aka housewife - but that's a dirty word now).
I have a number of concerns but I'm going to start with the fact that, far from being offended by a bathrobe, I don't actually have any expectations about the MD gift I receive.
A Gift is Actually an Opportunity to Receive
It sounds like bullshit to the unenlightened however I have come to the realisation that receiving a gift with grace is more important that the actual gift itself. Honestly, hear me out... it's an "aha" moment that would send Oprah into a melt-down... there should be zero expectations from the gift-receiver because the gift IS NOT ABOUT YOU. Regardless of the circumstance... be it wedding gift, Christmas gift, MD gift... the gift is about the gift-giver taking an opportunity to show someone important in their life that they care. They do this with a gift of their own choosing, and it is the giving and receiving - not the gift itself - that matters.
Undeniably, some people are better at gift-choosing than others. I once bought my mother a cross-trainer as a gift, and that was a very very bad gift choice. It wasn't that I didn't think about her, or choose the gift with love... I just chose poorly because what my mum actually would have preferred was tickets to the theatre (or coffee and cake at her favourite cafe). But you know what? I realise that now. Also, my mother buys herself tickets to her favourite theatre performances all the time - because she can. And that brings me to my next point...
A Mum Can Buy Herself Pretty Much Anything She Likes
If I wasn't a recovering binge-drinker who now cannot finish off one glass of red with dinner (despite actually wanting to, because red wine is meant to be good for heart health), I would have already bought myself an annual subscription to a wine club. Instead I bought myself a subscription to ABA - Australian Breastfeeding Association - because it was something I very much wanted. Yet, had I waited around for my people to buy it for me for MD, then I would've missed a lot of interesting months worth of articles.
So, I don't need a wine club subscription, or any other magazine subscription, but I do actually NEED a bathrobe. It is 100% truth that I am sitting at my computer at 4:30am, wearing my HUSBAND'S bathrobe, because I can't find my own. I'm pretty sure I threw it out at the end of last winter as it was holey and getting thread-bare. The mornings have only recently started to get cold and I haven't had a chance to buy one for myself, so I'm actually hoping my kids (via their dad, as my kids are 8, 6 and 1) have bought me a bathrobe for Mothers' Day, and in no way do I find any association of a bathrobe with domestic obligation. Next point...
If, Mum's Bathrobe=Domesticity, Dad's Bathrobe=X???
Okay, so we have this notion that we can't buy Mum a bathrobe for MD because it's like saying "put your feet up for one day because tomorrow you'll be back to the grind". Seriously? Come September, we know that KMart is going to be wheeling out the men's bathrobes and slippers for Fathers' Day too, and I'm pretty sure no bloggers are going to be discussing the appropriateness of a bathrobe as a Fathers' Day gift.
In fact I'm sitting in the bathrobe I bought for my kids to give their dad last Fathers' Day. In no way was I delivering a subliminal message to my husband that he could "take a day off today, but it was back to the grind tomorrow". It is a damn-fine bathrobe that is big and soft... and I hope I receive one just like it because this bathrobe's message was "we love you, Dad, and want you to be warm and comfortable on cold mornings". So my point here is that we need to be careful of the assumptions we throw around when it comes to "freeing women from their domestic shackles". Next point...
Thanks, but I don't need to be freed from something I have consciously chosen.
I'm a SAHM and I have consciously chosen to be here. I had a kind and well-meaning parent say to me yesterday "you're lucky to be in the financial position to stay home full-time". No. No, I'm not lucky. I've sacrificed. My husband has sacrificed. We have made this choice together for two reasons - one is because this is where I want to be, and the other is because we both believe it is best for our family. But it wasn't luck that created this scenario. We are not getting ahead. My budget says we are making ends meet - some months the credit card bill states otherwise. Yes, I have sacrificed many things, with finances being only one aspect. Career progression, financial benefit, adult interaction and peer recognition are all things that are great about paid work but are notably absent for parents who choose to stay at home. However, I've happily sacrificed these things because the things I've gained are more valuable to me than the things I've lost... I've gained the ability to work in my school's tuckshop (seriously, I love this); to help out in my sons' classrooms and to take my toddler to playgroup. Being the daily carer of my children in babyhood and their toddler years is so valuable to me.
I've no idea if my kids will look back and be grateful for these things that I find so important now, but I can't make my decisions based on those outcomes. I have made my choices based on what I feel is best, and on what is going to be fulfilling for me at this point in my life.
So, for now, housewife (as unglamorous as it sounds) is my job. It deserves more respect than being associated with a bathrobe and slippers and I sure as heck do not need to be freed from this important work... which brings me to my next point...
Knowing What's for Dinner Actually IS MY JOB
After my first child was born I worked part-time. After my second child was born, I worked part-time and my husband worked part-time. During these years it was neither/both of our jobs to know what was for dinner. We've never been super organised so often dinner would be a scramble to find something... or perhaps it was actually scrambled eggs. No huge issue when you have a baby and a toddler. But dinner has become important now that we have two school-aged children (and a toddler) who need a routine dinner and something that is a) healthy and b) a meal they will actually eat and enjoy (I hated gagging through spag bol with big chunks of broccoli in it as a child... Dad, why couldn't the broccoli be steamed and on the side?? Yes, for most of my childhood, my dad was a "househusband" and my mum worked full-time. My mum's choices were limited and that's a whole other blog post).
So yes, dinner is MY job. Making sure uniforms are washed is MY job. Ironing the uniforms and getting kids dressed in the morning is my HUSBAND'S job because he has a late start/late finish work schedule. Therefore, bath/dinner/homework/brushing teeth... all these things are MY job. Dishes is a job that is up for discussion - everyone hates dishes and by that time of night everyone is spent. So dividing up the work isn't always easy, but suffice to say that the bulk of the housework is my job because it is logical for me to do it.
If I didn't do it, or my husband didn't do it, we'd be paying approximately $30/hour to someone else to do it. Probably more. Childcare is the same - if I sent my toddler to childcare, I'd be paying a daycare centre up to $130/day for a service that provides care, learning, food, clean clothing and much more. When this service happens in the home, by the parent, there is no exchange of money, but it is still a valuable service which I am providing and in which I take great pride. So I will defend my stance as a SAHM mum to proudly say "yes, I do know what is for dinner and I have tried to make it healthy and delicious so please don't make that face at me before you even TRY it".
Everyone is different and of course many mums (and dads... but we're talking about mums here) have paid jobs by choice and I celebrate the every woman's right to choose. I understand some women choose work either because they love it or they crave the adult interaction and find being at home all day is not for them. When there are two working parents (or single parents who work) they also manage to do many of the jobs listed above, and I take my hat off to them because that's a lot of pressure - too much for me. I also understand that being a SAHM is sometimes not a viable choice for single mums or women in financial difficulty. However I do believe that if your choice is to be a full-time mother while your children are young, then that choice should be just as valid and just as valued as the choice to work outside the home.
Do I have aspirations to go back to paid work when I feel the time is right? Yes, but I'm still thinking about what that might be, because I'm changing, my priorities and interests are changing. I'm excited to think about it, but it can wait until this job is done.
The True Meaning of Mothers' Day (according to me)
Mother is a verb as well as a noun. So to me, Mothers' Day is about me receiving thanks from the people I mother. Perhaps that thanks will be given as a kiss and a verbal "thank you, Mum". Perhaps it'll be a bathrobe.
I don't care what the gift is, but I do care about allowing my people to give their thanks to me, and letting them know that I hear it. Because acknowledging thanks, acknowledging love; letting your people know that you see their appreciation and that you see their gratitude... that is a gift in itself.
I see the irony in finishing my post with the idea of Mothers actually giving a gift on Mothers' Day... but I believe in these words and I hope they reach those who need them most.
Happy Mothers' Day
Today, I read Clementine Ford's Mothers' Day post and I was shocked. I was shocked because I felt judged by one of my most admired bloggers. To me, Clementine Ford is fierce, courageous, intelligent and witty. However, reading her words, I felt judged for my choice to be at Stay At Home Mum (SAHM) and I felt judged for giving zero fricks about being gifted a bathrobe for Mothers' Day (MD).
The rhetoric of Clem's post isn't new or outrageous - it's the antithesis to the false and outdated assumption that mum=housewife. I get that this particular post is a little bit tongue in cheek, but it's also disturbingly serious in the clear message that housewife="less-than". For me, the jokey-aspect of the piece simply belittled my preference for a bathrobe over a wine subscription; but the sting is in the serious message that devalues my choice to take a career break so that I can focus on being a mother and "domestic manager" (aka housewife - but that's a dirty word now).
I have a number of concerns but I'm going to start with the fact that, far from being offended by a bathrobe, I don't actually have any expectations about the MD gift I receive.
A Gift is Actually an Opportunity to Receive
It sounds like bullshit to the unenlightened however I have come to the realisation that receiving a gift with grace is more important that the actual gift itself. Honestly, hear me out... it's an "aha" moment that would send Oprah into a melt-down... there should be zero expectations from the gift-receiver because the gift IS NOT ABOUT YOU. Regardless of the circumstance... be it wedding gift, Christmas gift, MD gift... the gift is about the gift-giver taking an opportunity to show someone important in their life that they care. They do this with a gift of their own choosing, and it is the giving and receiving - not the gift itself - that matters.
Undeniably, some people are better at gift-choosing than others. I once bought my mother a cross-trainer as a gift, and that was a very very bad gift choice. It wasn't that I didn't think about her, or choose the gift with love... I just chose poorly because what my mum actually would have preferred was tickets to the theatre (or coffee and cake at her favourite cafe). But you know what? I realise that now. Also, my mother buys herself tickets to her favourite theatre performances all the time - because she can. And that brings me to my next point...
A Mum Can Buy Herself Pretty Much Anything She Likes
If I wasn't a recovering binge-drinker who now cannot finish off one glass of red with dinner (despite actually wanting to, because red wine is meant to be good for heart health), I would have already bought myself an annual subscription to a wine club. Instead I bought myself a subscription to ABA - Australian Breastfeeding Association - because it was something I very much wanted. Yet, had I waited around for my people to buy it for me for MD, then I would've missed a lot of interesting months worth of articles.
So, I don't need a wine club subscription, or any other magazine subscription, but I do actually NEED a bathrobe. It is 100% truth that I am sitting at my computer at 4:30am, wearing my HUSBAND'S bathrobe, because I can't find my own. I'm pretty sure I threw it out at the end of last winter as it was holey and getting thread-bare. The mornings have only recently started to get cold and I haven't had a chance to buy one for myself, so I'm actually hoping my kids (via their dad, as my kids are 8, 6 and 1) have bought me a bathrobe for Mothers' Day, and in no way do I find any association of a bathrobe with domestic obligation. Next point...
If, Mum's Bathrobe=Domesticity, Dad's Bathrobe=X???
Okay, so we have this notion that we can't buy Mum a bathrobe for MD because it's like saying "put your feet up for one day because tomorrow you'll be back to the grind". Seriously? Come September, we know that KMart is going to be wheeling out the men's bathrobes and slippers for Fathers' Day too, and I'm pretty sure no bloggers are going to be discussing the appropriateness of a bathrobe as a Fathers' Day gift.
In fact I'm sitting in the bathrobe I bought for my kids to give their dad last Fathers' Day. In no way was I delivering a subliminal message to my husband that he could "take a day off today, but it was back to the grind tomorrow". It is a damn-fine bathrobe that is big and soft... and I hope I receive one just like it because this bathrobe's message was "we love you, Dad, and want you to be warm and comfortable on cold mornings". So my point here is that we need to be careful of the assumptions we throw around when it comes to "freeing women from their domestic shackles". Next point...
Thanks, but I don't need to be freed from something I have consciously chosen.
I'm a SAHM and I have consciously chosen to be here. I had a kind and well-meaning parent say to me yesterday "you're lucky to be in the financial position to stay home full-time". No. No, I'm not lucky. I've sacrificed. My husband has sacrificed. We have made this choice together for two reasons - one is because this is where I want to be, and the other is because we both believe it is best for our family. But it wasn't luck that created this scenario. We are not getting ahead. My budget says we are making ends meet - some months the credit card bill states otherwise. Yes, I have sacrificed many things, with finances being only one aspect. Career progression, financial benefit, adult interaction and peer recognition are all things that are great about paid work but are notably absent for parents who choose to stay at home. However, I've happily sacrificed these things because the things I've gained are more valuable to me than the things I've lost... I've gained the ability to work in my school's tuckshop (seriously, I love this); to help out in my sons' classrooms and to take my toddler to playgroup. Being the daily carer of my children in babyhood and their toddler years is so valuable to me.
I've no idea if my kids will look back and be grateful for these things that I find so important now, but I can't make my decisions based on those outcomes. I have made my choices based on what I feel is best, and on what is going to be fulfilling for me at this point in my life.
So, for now, housewife (as unglamorous as it sounds) is my job. It deserves more respect than being associated with a bathrobe and slippers and I sure as heck do not need to be freed from this important work... which brings me to my next point...
Knowing What's for Dinner Actually IS MY JOB
After my first child was born I worked part-time. After my second child was born, I worked part-time and my husband worked part-time. During these years it was neither/both of our jobs to know what was for dinner. We've never been super organised so often dinner would be a scramble to find something... or perhaps it was actually scrambled eggs. No huge issue when you have a baby and a toddler. But dinner has become important now that we have two school-aged children (and a toddler) who need a routine dinner and something that is a) healthy and b) a meal they will actually eat and enjoy (I hated gagging through spag bol with big chunks of broccoli in it as a child... Dad, why couldn't the broccoli be steamed and on the side?? Yes, for most of my childhood, my dad was a "househusband" and my mum worked full-time. My mum's choices were limited and that's a whole other blog post).
So yes, dinner is MY job. Making sure uniforms are washed is MY job. Ironing the uniforms and getting kids dressed in the morning is my HUSBAND'S job because he has a late start/late finish work schedule. Therefore, bath/dinner/homework/brushing teeth... all these things are MY job. Dishes is a job that is up for discussion - everyone hates dishes and by that time of night everyone is spent. So dividing up the work isn't always easy, but suffice to say that the bulk of the housework is my job because it is logical for me to do it.
If I didn't do it, or my husband didn't do it, we'd be paying approximately $30/hour to someone else to do it. Probably more. Childcare is the same - if I sent my toddler to childcare, I'd be paying a daycare centre up to $130/day for a service that provides care, learning, food, clean clothing and much more. When this service happens in the home, by the parent, there is no exchange of money, but it is still a valuable service which I am providing and in which I take great pride. So I will defend my stance as a SAHM mum to proudly say "yes, I do know what is for dinner and I have tried to make it healthy and delicious so please don't make that face at me before you even TRY it".
Everyone is different and of course many mums (and dads... but we're talking about mums here) have paid jobs by choice and I celebrate the every woman's right to choose. I understand some women choose work either because they love it or they crave the adult interaction and find being at home all day is not for them. When there are two working parents (or single parents who work) they also manage to do many of the jobs listed above, and I take my hat off to them because that's a lot of pressure - too much for me. I also understand that being a SAHM is sometimes not a viable choice for single mums or women in financial difficulty. However I do believe that if your choice is to be a full-time mother while your children are young, then that choice should be just as valid and just as valued as the choice to work outside the home.
Do I have aspirations to go back to paid work when I feel the time is right? Yes, but I'm still thinking about what that might be, because I'm changing, my priorities and interests are changing. I'm excited to think about it, but it can wait until this job is done.
The True Meaning of Mothers' Day (according to me)
Mother is a verb as well as a noun. So to me, Mothers' Day is about me receiving thanks from the people I mother. Perhaps that thanks will be given as a kiss and a verbal "thank you, Mum". Perhaps it'll be a bathrobe.
I don't care what the gift is, but I do care about allowing my people to give their thanks to me, and letting them know that I hear it. Because acknowledging thanks, acknowledging love; letting your people know that you see their appreciation and that you see their gratitude... that is a gift in itself.
I see the irony in finishing my post with the idea of Mothers actually giving a gift on Mothers' Day... but I believe in these words and I hope they reach those who need them most.
Happy Mothers' Day
Seems I am writing posts here without posting them. Why? Fear.
Seems I am writing posts here without posting them. Why? Fear. I'm afraid people will read what I have to write and judge me... for what? For being human. For being real. For being too much.
So, tonight I went to a movie night with some school mums. We went for a drink afterwards at a trendy bar with jaunty violin music and equally jaunty bearded-men. Should've just been a great night, right? Perhaps it was a great night... but I was lying in bed, unable to sleep, as I re-read the scripts of my social interactions of the entire night.
We found a quiet side room and all settled back with our 1 beer or wine, or in my case, bubbles, for the night. Conversation was light and happy and then somehow I feel that I managed to bring it down. I can't help myself. I have all these things swirling in my head... rape culture... the lack of emotional intelligence being taught in schools... the fact that emotional intelligence is an essential element of a sane person... and I even talked about my own childhood! ARgh! It's like I suffer from an inability to press pause once the tape begins... because I'm sure I blurt out the same messages everytime I get into a conversation with anyone. I see it happening, like an out of body experience... I see myself going down the path of over-sharing but I go past the point of no return and then it just gets to an awkward point where someone goes... "so, how cool are these retro couches?". And I'm left feeling like an overtired child who got all worked up over nothing. I don't know how to feel about it... I struggle to just go and "speak shit" and relax and talk about crap when there is so much "real stuff" happening in the world. But I feel like I'm a downer. I'm too intense. I'm hard work. I feel that perhaps I just should go to the movie and then politely excuse myself so as not to drag the mood down of others who can be witty and light and breezy with their conversations.
I know this. I am aware of this scenario. It has been happening a lot lately. At every social setting I find myself in... Vionna's High Tea parties. Previous movie nights (only the car ride, not the drinks after - still enough for me to be intense)... and after the last book club session I attended I had managed to tell women I only see briefly at school pick ups and drop offs, that my father was a man with anger management issues and that every family outing was a stressful occasion. It's too much. But I can't stop myself. I feel like I need these social interactions... and I do enjoy them at the time... however I have these feelings of guilt, shame, stupidity... embarrassment. I'm embarrassed that I can't seem to interact in social settings well. No wonder I used to drink... because at least then I knew how to pretend to have fun when I was pissed. Thank god I can't manage to finish a drink now because I'd be a blithering bloody mess after more than that.
I'm heading back to work. Straight back to the meaningless marketing crap. I know I have to. I'm kind of looking forward to it... in a "make the best of it because there's no choice" kind of way. But I feel I'm selling out on myself. I know I can do more... offer more... this intense mind of mine has to be able to do more than just embarrass me in social scenarios with women that I don't really actually feel much connection with... then is that just me putting up a wall. Preventing any proper relationship from forming...? Anyway... it's back to marketing for now. Maybe some study in childhood behaviour... indeed human behaviour, or social science or something... perhaps that will happen a bit later.
So, tonight I went to a movie night with some school mums. We went for a drink afterwards at a trendy bar with jaunty violin music and equally jaunty bearded-men. Should've just been a great night, right? Perhaps it was a great night... but I was lying in bed, unable to sleep, as I re-read the scripts of my social interactions of the entire night.
We found a quiet side room and all settled back with our 1 beer or wine, or in my case, bubbles, for the night. Conversation was light and happy and then somehow I feel that I managed to bring it down. I can't help myself. I have all these things swirling in my head... rape culture... the lack of emotional intelligence being taught in schools... the fact that emotional intelligence is an essential element of a sane person... and I even talked about my own childhood! ARgh! It's like I suffer from an inability to press pause once the tape begins... because I'm sure I blurt out the same messages everytime I get into a conversation with anyone. I see it happening, like an out of body experience... I see myself going down the path of over-sharing but I go past the point of no return and then it just gets to an awkward point where someone goes... "so, how cool are these retro couches?". And I'm left feeling like an overtired child who got all worked up over nothing. I don't know how to feel about it... I struggle to just go and "speak shit" and relax and talk about crap when there is so much "real stuff" happening in the world. But I feel like I'm a downer. I'm too intense. I'm hard work. I feel that perhaps I just should go to the movie and then politely excuse myself so as not to drag the mood down of others who can be witty and light and breezy with their conversations.
I know this. I am aware of this scenario. It has been happening a lot lately. At every social setting I find myself in... Vionna's High Tea parties. Previous movie nights (only the car ride, not the drinks after - still enough for me to be intense)... and after the last book club session I attended I had managed to tell women I only see briefly at school pick ups and drop offs, that my father was a man with anger management issues and that every family outing was a stressful occasion. It's too much. But I can't stop myself. I feel like I need these social interactions... and I do enjoy them at the time... however I have these feelings of guilt, shame, stupidity... embarrassment. I'm embarrassed that I can't seem to interact in social settings well. No wonder I used to drink... because at least then I knew how to pretend to have fun when I was pissed. Thank god I can't manage to finish a drink now because I'd be a blithering bloody mess after more than that.
I'm heading back to work. Straight back to the meaningless marketing crap. I know I have to. I'm kind of looking forward to it... in a "make the best of it because there's no choice" kind of way. But I feel I'm selling out on myself. I know I can do more... offer more... this intense mind of mine has to be able to do more than just embarrass me in social scenarios with women that I don't really actually feel much connection with... then is that just me putting up a wall. Preventing any proper relationship from forming...? Anyway... it's back to marketing for now. Maybe some study in childhood behaviour... indeed human behaviour, or social science or something... perhaps that will happen a bit later.
Wednesday, 8 October 2014
My Experience With PND and Coping With Newborn #3
This post diverts a bit from my usual reviews on things to do in Brisbane, but I feel like I want to share my experience to-date after the birth of my third child. I'm not the perfect parent by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm trying, I'm growing and I'm happy to say I think I'm improving! (with age or experience I'm not sure!?).
So... Our family's newest member - son#3 - is now 1 month old. I haven't posted for a while because... well we've all been a bit busy getting to know this little man and developing our new routine (aka going with the flow and taking each day as it comes!).
I am both relieved (as he becomes stronger, more robust and sleeps longer) and a little wistful (this will 99% certain be our last bub - never say never?!) so I'm trying to inhale loads of baby-head smell and memorise every scrunched-up facial expression, back-arch and gurgle.
My previous experiences with PND
Thankfully, over the past month, I haven't really experienced the effects of PND. However with my first two babies, that familiar weight of anxiety crept in almost immediately after each birth. It was a dull, but constant knot in my stomach. An expectation that something terrible was going to happen and a constant feeling of dread. Tears streamed every day. It was worst with my first son because he was born with a couple minor health issues that made life a fair bit more difficult at the outset - hip-dysplasia and a tongue-tie. Due to the hip-dysplasia, he was in a brace for the first 2 months of his life. This made bathing, feeding, nappy-changing and even holding him, really hard. I didn't want others to hold him because it could hurt his body the way the brace was on. The tongue-tie made breast-feeding excruciating, ripped apart my nipples, and contributed to my developing multiple cases of mastitis. I felt like a failure as mum. Almost like I didn't deserve to have these beautiful babies in my care. I felt like I was not good enough to be their mum and that surely "something bad" would happen.
Thankfully, I never struggled to bond with my babies - almost the opposite. I actually felt an incredibly strong connection, an adoration that was almost overwhelming and an incredible desire to protect these little people with my life and keep them safe at all costs. I think it was that intense sense of responsibility that fed my anxiety and it was crippling. Paralysing. I was fearful of everything. My anxiety prevented me from accepting help from anyone, so I struggled through pretty much on my own. I trusted my husband and my mother and NO ONE else to care for my babies. It wasn't that I didn't have offers from friends and extended family - I just could not have left my precious parcels with them for fear that something terrible may happen in my absence.
Then there was the obsession with germs... I previously worried a lot about germs and bub getting sick and it stopped me from getting out of the house and of course that only added to the depression and anxiety that shadowed me for the first 12 months after each of their births.
This Time Around
I still feel prickles of anxiety this time around. My heart races with panic in certain circumstances (like at my son's school, where there have been reported cases of Whooping Cough - super scary!!). BUT... I am adamant that I don't want FEAR to rule my life anymore. I don't want to stay locked in the house and I don't want to shun family and friends. I know I have done all I can to protect my newborn - with boosters for myself and hubby and all close relatives. I am careful to not let anyone cuddle him if I'm not certain they've had their booster and I'll keep him close in my ergo until he has had his first round of immunisation (and probably even until after the 2nd round). I have created a safe buffer for him, and now I need to allow myself to continue on with my life and allow myself to relax... to breathe... to smile... to continue enjoying life... rather than living in a suspended fog where I hold my breath and imagine all the terrible potentials that fuel my fear.
What Keeps Me Away From the Dark
So far, so good! I haven't allowed my ingrained fears to keep me at home. I actually believe the main reason for my being able to cope so much better this time around is thanks to my two older sons. I don't want their lives to stop because my anxiety keeps me from leaving the house. I want them to be able to be outdoors, seeing friends and living their lives. We may have to modify a few things (I've said no to doing "show & tell" with son#3 in my son#1's prep class) but for the most part, life goes on and I want my boys to keep enjoying their lives. Another thing that I feel has helped me to keep my depression & anxiety at bay, is that it is SPRING TIME!! My first two were Winter-babies... this lovely chubbly is a Spring-baby and that has made all the difference in terms of my enthusiasm for heading into the great outdoors (much nicer to head out into beautiful sunny days, rather than cold & windy wintery days) and my mood in general. I didn't actually plan his birth for Spring, and of course I've no way of knowing how I might have coped differently if it were winter, but I know that my head feels clearer and my mood is brighter in the warmer months. So I'm grateful that fate deemed my son#3 be born in late August. IF we were to have another bub who happened to arrive in winter, I would need to PLAN for my mental health after his/her birth.
I am also writing in my personal family blog more. I am saving photos. Printing holiday photos and talking about them with my older boys. And I'm trying so hard to make the conscious choice to be grateful and happy. When son#2 told me recently he wanted to go to a family where the mum wasn't angry, it almost tore me apart because I have been trying SO hard to practice Positive Parenting. I guess we can't always be the "perfectly positive parent" and we won't always escape harsh words from our children - it's part and parcel of parenting. All I can do is keep on trying and keep on loving!
I've found that since I'ye pushed myself to keep living my life and to consciously parent... I am finding myself being more relaxed and happy and my feeling of "self" is actually more present with 3 children than it was with only one.
The PND Spectrum I am acutely aware that my experience with PND has been at the mild end of the spectrum. I was able to treat my depression and anxiety with trips to my GP, followed by counseling sessions, exercise, and reading a lot of good books. I also quit a long-term job that was extremely stressful and took a leap of faith in focusing solely on working from home. I had faith that "everything will be okay" - in terms of finances, my relationship with hubby, kids and everything really.
For some, though, I know that there can be no such belief that "everything will be okay". I know that sometimes women (and men) struggling with PND are not able to see the light on the horizon. Thankfully there is a lot of great help out there now.
Beyondblue
Lifeline
PANDA
For me, becoming a parent triggered my pre-existing depression and anxiety. I found that being a parent not only changed my life; it changed my hormones, which changed my moods; it changed my ability to cope and it changed my outlook in ways I couldn't have predicted or controlled. But talking helps, so let's keep the conversation going.
Wednesday, 4 June 2014
Heathly Banana Muffins for a Quick Picnic Treat
Your kids will never notice the
chia seeds and LSA mix
in these yummy
Banana Muffins!!
Today we are going to a play date in the park at Hawthorne Park on Riding Road, Hawthorne. This will be our first visit, so I'll be sure to review it in the coming days.
Every good play date needs snacks, and I happened to have some over-ripe bananas sitting on my kitchen bench. A quick google for Healthy Banana Bread led me to a recipe on taste.com.au that I modified slightly, and chose to bake in the mini-muffin tray, rather than a bread tin.Below is my modified version, but you can see the original recipe here:
Ingredients
Spray oil
265g (1 3/4 cups) self-raising flour
40g (1/4 cup) plain flour
1/4 cup desiccated coconut
1/4 cup ground LSA mix (linseed, sunflower seeds & almond)
2 tablespoons chia seeds
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 cup, firmly packed) brown sugar
1/2 cup whole milk
1/2 cup Greek yoghurt (or whatever yoghurt you have in the fridge)
2 eggs, lightly whisked
2 teaspoons vanilla
1/4 cup of oil (I had canola, but olive or whatever will do)
2 overripe medium bananas, mashed
Step 1
Preheat oven to 180°C. Grease mini-muffin tray with spray oil.
Step 2
Combine dry ingredients and make a well in the centre. Place the milk, eggs, melted butter and banana in a medium bowl, and stir until well combined. Add the banana mixture and stir until just combined. Spoon the mixture into the mini-muffin tray.
Step 3
Bake in preheated oven for 20-25 minutes or until the muffins begin to pull away from the edge of the tray and the tops spring back. Remove from oven and set aside in the pan for 5 minutes. Turn onto a wire rack to cool completely.
Wednesday, 28 May 2014
Birthing Plan - Should Older Siblings be Present?
Older children at the birth of their sibling...
yes or no???
(my older boys as beautiful newborns)
Today marks the 27-week gestation point and our two older boys have just turned 4 and 6 years old. They are SUPER excited to be getting a little brother - woohoo!! another superhero to fight the baddies, and another Lego "master builder" in the making. BUT, they have indicated some interest in being there when their little bro "comes out".
My husband's reaction is "are you crazy? No way!". My thoughts are split...
I'm really excited about our third bub's arrival and think it would be a fantastic opportunity to share that special moment with our older children. An opportunity for my kids to witness something REAL, something uncensored, something that is completely natural yet almost magical... and hopefully something that will allow them a wonderfully close bond with their brother as they were there to witness his arrival on earth...
... yet I also have a lot of questions swirling in my mind.... will the boys be scared? will it be too distracting for me? what if things don't go "to plan"...?
We are booked into the Greenslopes Private Maternity Hospital (which we toured the other day and looks very flash indeed so I'll be sure to review it post birth!) and their mentality seems to be supportive of what the mother wants. So when I asked about having our older boys present at the birth, the midwife responded with a "we will support your decision, however you want to consider your ability to maintain your focus for the birth" (or something to that effect!).
And as I dig back into that hazy memory of my previous two "uncomplicated" births, I try to recall just how intense the births were, and how much inward focus I needed to have... and I wonder if I would be able to be totally "in the zone" with my older kids there. And of course, the question of how will it impact on them?
Child birth can be scary for the unprepared spectator. My younger sister was 21 years old when she was an unexpected (but totally welcome) family member in the birthing suite for the arrival of my first son (she drove my mum to the hospital and decided to stay for support). Despite being an adult, I think she was truly shocked at the whole ordeal. She had not planned to be there, so had no prior knowledge of what labour looks like (other than the completely unrealistic TV version) and for her, seeing me (her sister) struggling to cope with intense pain; my contorted facial expressions and all the groaning/animalistic noises... it was all a bit much and she excused herself after about 20 minutes. Looking back, I think she felt helpless, as her offers of water/ice/massages were met with "no/No/NO!... thank you". So she probably figured she was more use out of the way.
Anyway... in terms of my boys, I am doing all of the obvious preparatory things, like reading them birthing books and trying to answer their questions about the birth as honestly as possible. I haven't yet shown them a video of child birth (there are lots of beautiful vaginal child birth videos on Youtube) but am considering this as an option.
Of course my husband and I need to be on the same page with all of this... so I have the next 14 weeks or so to ponder this one - discuss it with my children and husband - and hopefully come to a decision that I'm happy with.
I would love to hear your perspective on this topic. Have you chosen to have your older children present at the birth of a younger sibling? Did you decide not to do so? Any advice to give either way?
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