SHOCK ANNOUNCEMENT!!... I am a feminist and yet I have zero issues with being gifted a bathrobe for Mothers' Day.
Today, I read Clementine Ford's Mothers' Day post and I was shocked. I was shocked because I felt judged by one of my most admired bloggers. To me, Clementine Ford is fierce, courageous, intelligent and witty. However, reading her words, I felt judged for my choice to be at Stay At Home Mum (SAHM) and I felt judged for giving zero fricks about being gifted a bathrobe for Mothers' Day (MD).
The rhetoric of Clem's post isn't new or outrageous - it's the antithesis to the false and outdated assumption that mum=housewife. I get that this particular post is a little bit tongue in cheek, but it's also disturbingly serious in the clear message that housewife="less-than". For me, the jokey-aspect of the piece simply belittled my preference for a bathrobe over a wine subscription; but the sting is in the serious message that devalues my choice to take a career break so that I can focus on being a mother and "domestic manager" (aka housewife - but that's a dirty word now).
I have a number of concerns but I'm going to start with the fact that, far from being offended by a bathrobe, I don't actually have any expectations about the MD gift I receive.
A Gift is Actually an Opportunity to Receive
It sounds like bullshit to the unenlightened however I have come to the realisation that receiving a gift with grace is more important that the actual gift itself. Honestly, hear me out... it's an "aha" moment that would send Oprah into a melt-down... there should be zero expectations from the gift-receiver because the gift IS NOT ABOUT YOU. Regardless of the circumstance... be it wedding gift, Christmas gift, MD gift... the gift is about the gift-giver taking an opportunity to show someone important in their life that they care. They do this with a gift of their own choosing, and it is the giving and receiving - not the gift itself - that matters.
Undeniably, some people are better at gift-choosing than others. I once bought my mother a cross-trainer as a gift, and that was a very very bad gift choice. It wasn't that I didn't think about her, or choose the gift with love... I just chose poorly because what my mum actually would have preferred was tickets to the theatre (or coffee and cake at her favourite cafe). But you know what? I realise that now. Also, my mother buys herself tickets to her favourite theatre performances all the time - because she can. And that brings me to my next point...
A Mum Can Buy Herself Pretty Much Anything She Likes
If I wasn't a recovering binge-drinker who now cannot finish off one glass of red with dinner (despite actually wanting to, because red wine is meant to be good for heart health), I would have already bought myself an annual subscription to a wine club. Instead I bought myself a subscription to ABA - Australian Breastfeeding Association - because it was something I very much wanted. Yet, had I waited around for my people to buy it for me for MD, then I would've missed a lot of interesting months worth of articles.
So, I don't need a wine club subscription, or any other magazine subscription, but I do actually NEED a bathrobe. It is 100% truth that I am sitting at my computer at 4:30am, wearing my HUSBAND'S bathrobe, because I can't find my own. I'm pretty sure I threw it out at the end of last winter as it was holey and getting thread-bare. The mornings have only recently started to get cold and I haven't had a chance to buy one for myself, so I'm actually hoping my kids (via their dad, as my kids are 8, 6 and 1) have bought me a bathrobe for Mothers' Day, and in no way do I find any association of a bathrobe with domestic obligation. Next point...
If, Mum's Bathrobe=Domesticity, Dad's Bathrobe=X???
Okay, so we have this notion that we can't buy Mum a bathrobe for MD because it's like saying "put your feet up for one day because tomorrow you'll be back to the grind". Seriously? Come September, we know that KMart is going to be wheeling out the men's bathrobes and slippers for Fathers' Day too, and I'm pretty sure no bloggers are going to be discussing the appropriateness of a bathrobe as a Fathers' Day gift.
In fact I'm sitting in the bathrobe I bought for my kids to give their dad last Fathers' Day. In no way was I delivering a subliminal message to my husband that he could "take a day off today, but it was back to the grind tomorrow". It is a damn-fine bathrobe that is big and soft... and I hope I receive one just like it because this bathrobe's message was "we love you, Dad, and want you to be warm and comfortable on cold mornings". So my point here is that we need to be careful of the assumptions we throw around when it comes to "freeing women from their domestic shackles". Next point...
Thanks, but I don't need to be freed from something I have consciously chosen.
I'm a SAHM and I have consciously chosen to be here. I had a kind and well-meaning parent say to me yesterday "you're lucky to be in the financial position to stay home full-time". No. No, I'm not lucky. I've sacrificed. My husband has sacrificed. We have made this choice together for two reasons - one is because this is where I want to be, and the other is because we both believe it is best for our family. But it wasn't luck that created this scenario. We are not getting ahead. My budget says we are making ends meet - some months the credit card bill states otherwise. Yes, I have sacrificed many things, with finances being only one aspect. Career progression, financial benefit, adult interaction and peer recognition are all things that are great about paid work but are notably absent for parents who choose to stay at home. However, I've happily sacrificed these things because the things I've gained are more valuable to me than the things I've lost... I've gained the ability to work in my school's tuckshop (seriously, I love this); to help out in my sons' classrooms and to take my toddler to playgroup. Being the daily carer of my children in babyhood and their toddler years is so valuable to me.
I've no idea if my kids will look back and be grateful for these things that I find so important now, but I can't make my decisions based on those outcomes. I have made my choices based on what I feel is best, and on what is going to be fulfilling for me at this point in my life.
So, for now, housewife (as unglamorous as it sounds) is my job. It deserves more respect than being associated with a bathrobe and slippers and I sure as heck do not need to be freed from this important work... which brings me to my next point...
Knowing What's for Dinner Actually IS MY JOB
After my first child was born I worked part-time. After my second child was born, I worked part-time and my husband worked part-time. During these years it was neither/both of our jobs to know what was for dinner. We've never been super organised so often dinner would be a scramble to find something... or perhaps it was actually scrambled eggs. No huge issue when you have a baby and a toddler. But dinner has become important now that we have two school-aged children (and a toddler) who need a routine dinner and something that is a) healthy and b) a meal they will actually eat and enjoy (I hated gagging through spag bol with big chunks of broccoli in it as a child... Dad, why couldn't the broccoli be steamed and on the side?? Yes, for most of my childhood, my dad was a "househusband" and my mum worked full-time. My mum's choices were limited and that's a whole other blog post).
So yes, dinner is MY job. Making sure uniforms are washed is MY job. Ironing the uniforms and getting kids dressed in the morning is my HUSBAND'S job because he has a late start/late finish work schedule. Therefore, bath/dinner/homework/brushing teeth... all these things are MY job. Dishes is a job that is up for discussion - everyone hates dishes and by that time of night everyone is spent. So dividing up the work isn't always easy, but suffice to say that the bulk of the housework is my job because it is logical for me to do it.
If I didn't do it, or my husband didn't do it, we'd be paying approximately $30/hour to someone else to do it. Probably more. Childcare is the same - if I sent my toddler to childcare, I'd be paying a daycare centre up to $130/day for a service that provides care, learning, food, clean clothing and much more. When this service happens in the home, by the parent, there is no exchange of money, but it is still a valuable service which I am providing and in which I take great pride. So I will defend my stance as a SAHM mum to proudly say "yes, I do know what is for dinner and I have tried to make it healthy and delicious so please don't make that face at me before you even TRY it".
Everyone is different and of course many mums (and dads... but we're talking about mums here) have paid jobs by choice and I celebrate the every woman's right to choose. I understand some women choose work either because they love it or they crave the adult interaction and find being at home all day is not for them. When there are two working parents (or single parents who work) they also manage to do many of the jobs listed above, and I take my hat off to them because that's a lot of pressure - too much for me. I also understand that being a SAHM is sometimes not a viable choice for single mums or women in financial difficulty. However I do believe that if your choice is to be a full-time mother while your children are young, then that choice should be just as valid and just as valued as the choice to work outside the home.
Do I have aspirations to go back to paid work when I feel the time is right? Yes, but I'm still thinking about what that might be, because I'm changing, my priorities and interests are changing. I'm excited to think about it, but it can wait until this job is done.
The True Meaning of Mothers' Day (according to me)
Mother is a verb as well as a noun. So to me, Mothers' Day is about me receiving thanks from the people I mother. Perhaps that thanks will be given as a kiss and a verbal "thank you, Mum". Perhaps it'll be a bathrobe.
I don't care what the gift is, but I do care about allowing my people to give their thanks to me, and letting them know that I hear it. Because acknowledging thanks, acknowledging love; letting your people know that you see their appreciation and that you see their gratitude... that is a gift in itself.
I see the irony in finishing my post with the idea of Mothers actually giving a gift on Mothers' Day... but I believe in these words and I hope they reach those who need them most.
Happy Mothers' Day
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