This post diverts a bit from my usual reviews on things to do in Brisbane, but I feel like I want to share my experience to-date after the birth of my third child. I'm not the perfect parent by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm trying, I'm growing and I'm happy to say I think I'm improving! (with age or experience I'm not sure!?).
So... Our family's newest member - son#3 - is now 1 month old. I haven't posted for a while because... well we've all been a bit busy getting to know this little man and developing our new routine (aka going with the flow and taking each day as it comes!).
I am both relieved (as he becomes stronger, more robust and sleeps longer) and a little wistful (this will 99% certain be our last bub - never say never?!) so I'm trying to inhale loads of baby-head smell and memorise every scrunched-up facial expression, back-arch and gurgle.
My previous experiences with PND
Thankfully, over the past month, I haven't really experienced the effects of PND. However with my first two babies, that familiar weight of anxiety crept in almost immediately after each birth. It was a dull, but constant knot in my stomach. An expectation that something terrible was going to happen and a constant feeling of dread. Tears streamed every day. It was worst with my first son because he was born with a couple minor health issues that made life a fair bit more difficult at the outset - hip-dysplasia and a tongue-tie. Due to the hip-dysplasia, he was in a brace for the first 2 months of his life. This made bathing, feeding, nappy-changing and even holding him, really hard. I didn't want others to hold him because it could hurt his body the way the brace was on. The tongue-tie made breast-feeding excruciating, ripped apart my nipples, and contributed to my developing multiple cases of mastitis. I felt like a failure as mum. Almost like I didn't deserve to have these beautiful babies in my care. I felt like I was not good enough to be their mum and that surely "something bad" would happen.
Thankfully, I never struggled to bond with my babies - almost the opposite. I actually felt an incredibly strong connection, an adoration that was almost overwhelming and an incredible desire to protect these little people with my life and keep them safe at all costs. I think it was that intense sense of responsibility that fed my anxiety and it was crippling. Paralysing. I was fearful of everything. My anxiety prevented me from accepting help from anyone, so I struggled through pretty much on my own. I trusted my husband and my mother and NO ONE else to care for my babies. It wasn't that I didn't have offers from friends and extended family - I just could not have left my precious parcels with them for fear that something terrible may happen in my absence.
Then there was the obsession with germs... I previously worried a lot about germs and bub getting sick and it stopped me from getting out of the house and of course that only added to the depression and anxiety that shadowed me for the first 12 months after each of their births.
This Time Around
I still feel prickles of anxiety this time around. My heart races with panic in certain circumstances (like at my son's school, where there have been reported cases of Whooping Cough - super scary!!). BUT... I am adamant that I don't want FEAR to rule my life anymore. I don't want to stay locked in the house and I don't want to shun family and friends. I know I have done all I can to protect my newborn - with boosters for myself and hubby and all close relatives. I am careful to not let anyone cuddle him if I'm not certain they've had their booster and I'll keep him close in my ergo until he has had his first round of immunisation (and probably even until after the 2nd round). I have created a safe buffer for him, and now I need to allow myself to continue on with my life and allow myself to relax... to breathe... to smile... to continue enjoying life... rather than living in a suspended fog where I hold my breath and imagine all the terrible potentials that fuel my fear.
What Keeps Me Away From the Dark
So far, so good! I haven't allowed my ingrained fears to keep me at home. I actually believe the main reason for my being able to cope so much better this time around is thanks to my two older sons. I don't want their lives to stop because my anxiety keeps me from leaving the house. I want them to be able to be outdoors, seeing friends and living their lives. We may have to modify a few things (I've said no to doing "show & tell" with son#3 in my son#1's prep class) but for the most part, life goes on and I want my boys to keep enjoying their lives. Another thing that I feel has helped me to keep my depression & anxiety at bay, is that it is SPRING TIME!! My first two were Winter-babies... this lovely chubbly is a Spring-baby and that has made all the difference in terms of my enthusiasm for heading into the great outdoors (much nicer to head out into beautiful sunny days, rather than cold & windy wintery days) and my mood in general. I didn't actually plan his birth for Spring, and of course I've no way of knowing how I might have coped differently if it were winter, but I know that my head feels clearer and my mood is brighter in the warmer months. So I'm grateful that fate deemed my son#3 be born in late August. IF we were to have another bub who happened to arrive in winter, I would need to PLAN for my mental health after his/her birth.
I am also writing in my personal family blog more. I am saving photos. Printing holiday photos and talking about them with my older boys. And I'm trying so hard to make the conscious choice to be grateful and happy. When son#2 told me recently he wanted to go to a family where the mum wasn't angry, it almost tore me apart because I have been trying SO hard to practice Positive Parenting. I guess we can't always be the "perfectly positive parent" and we won't always escape harsh words from our children - it's part and parcel of parenting. All I can do is keep on trying and keep on loving!
I've found that since I'ye pushed myself to keep living my life and to consciously parent... I am finding myself being more relaxed and happy and my feeling of "self" is actually more present with 3 children than it was with only one.
The PND Spectrum I am acutely aware that my experience with PND has been at the mild end of the spectrum. I was able to treat my depression and anxiety with trips to my GP, followed by counseling sessions, exercise, and reading a lot of good books. I also quit a long-term job that was extremely stressful and took a leap of faith in focusing solely on working from home. I had faith that "everything will be okay" - in terms of finances, my relationship with hubby, kids and everything really.
For some, though, I know that there can be no such belief that "everything will be okay". I know that sometimes women (and men) struggling with PND are not able to see the light on the horizon. Thankfully there is a lot of great help out there now.
Beyondblue
Lifeline
PANDA
For me, becoming a parent triggered my pre-existing depression and anxiety. I found that being a parent not only changed my life; it changed my hormones, which changed my moods; it changed my ability to cope and it changed my outlook in ways I couldn't have predicted or controlled. But talking helps, so let's keep the conversation going.
