Seems I am writing posts here without posting them. Why? Fear.

Seems I am writing posts here without posting them.  Why?  Fear.  I'm afraid people will read what I have to write and judge me... for what?  For being human.  For being real.  For being too much.

So, tonight I went to a movie night with some school mums.  We went for a drink afterwards at a trendy bar with jaunty violin music and equally jaunty bearded-men.  Should've just been a great night, right?  Perhaps it was a great night... but I was lying in bed, unable to sleep, as I re-read the scripts of my social interactions of the entire night.

We found a quiet side room and all settled back with our 1 beer or wine, or in my case, bubbles, for the night.  Conversation was light and happy and then somehow I feel that I managed to bring it down.  I can't help myself.  I have all these things swirling in my head... rape culture... the lack of emotional intelligence being taught in schools... the fact that emotional intelligence is an essential element of a sane person... and I even talked about my own childhood!  ARgh!  It's like I suffer from an inability to press pause once the tape begins... because I'm sure I blurt out the same messages everytime I get into a conversation with anyone.  I see it happening, like an out of body experience... I see myself going down the path of over-sharing but I go past the point of no return and then it just gets to an awkward point where someone goes... "so, how cool are these retro couches?".  And I'm left feeling like an overtired child who got all worked up over nothing.  I don't know how to feel about it... I struggle to just go and "speak shit" and relax and talk about crap when there is so much "real stuff" happening in the world.  But I feel like I'm a downer.  I'm too intense.  I'm hard work.  I feel that perhaps I just should go to the movie and then politely excuse myself so as not to drag the mood down of others who can be witty and light and breezy with their conversations.

I know this.  I am aware of this scenario.  It has been happening a lot lately.  At every social setting I find myself in... Vionna's High Tea parties.  Previous movie nights (only the car ride, not the drinks after - still enough for me to be intense)... and after the last book club session I attended I had managed to tell women I only see briefly at school pick ups and drop offs, that my father was a man with anger management issues and that every family outing was a stressful occasion.  It's too much.  But I can't stop myself.  I feel like I need these social interactions... and I do enjoy them at the time... however I have these feelings of guilt, shame, stupidity... embarrassment.  I'm embarrassed that I can't seem to interact in social settings well.  No wonder I used to drink... because at least then I knew how to pretend to have fun when I was pissed.  Thank god I can't manage to finish a drink now because I'd be a blithering bloody mess after more than that.

I'm heading back to work.  Straight back to the meaningless marketing crap.  I know I have to.  I'm kind of looking forward to it... in a "make the best of it because there's no choice" kind of way.  But I feel I'm selling out on myself.  I know I can do more... offer more... this intense mind of mine has to be able to do more than just embarrass me in social scenarios with women that I don't really actually feel much connection with... then is that just me putting up a wall.  Preventing any proper relationship from forming...?  Anyway... it's back to marketing for now.  Maybe some study in childhood behaviour... indeed human behaviour, or social science or something... perhaps that will happen a bit later.